When is hesitant language used in fiction writing?

Hesitant or uncertain language is common when an author lacks confidence in their writing. This lack of confidence can result in writing shrouded with words that don’t express the author’s true intention. Authors often feel awkward at saying what they really mean and are reluctant to be assertive. They also want to avoid annoying the reader so use hesitant language and weaker words to soften the blow.

Authors should not feel the need to apologise for what they have written. The important thing is to get to the point and say what is really meant! This is an opportunity to be bold and assertive and say what you want to say. It is a chance to say what you might not have the confidence to say in real life!

Hesitant language can reduce the impact of the text and leave the reader on the outside rather than immersed in the story. Hedge words or tentative language are other terms that are used to describe uncertain writing.

Examples of hesitant language

A few examples of hesitant words are lited below.

• at least
• almost
• appeared to
• could
• generally
• hoped
• maybe
• might
• more or less
• perhaps
• pondered
• possibly
• potentially
• seemed
• somehow
• thought
• usually
• wondered

How can I make my writing less hesitant?

Deleting hesitant or weaker words

Often, simply removing hesitant words can improve the text.

She thought the book was more or less finished.

The book was finished.

Desmond somehow thought that he was right again.

Desmond was right again.

At least he had the chance to go to the pub tonight.

He had the chance to go to the pub tonight.

He frowned. Perhaps the accident could possibly be an omen,

He frowned. Was the accident an omen?

Perhaps and could possibly be are adding unnecessary waffle here, so removing them and recasting as a question creates intrigue.

Stronger verb

Changing a weaker verb for a stronger one is often a solution.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

It was a good idea at the time.

Swapping had seemed for was gives a more positive statement.

Recast

Recasting the sentence can reduce uncertainty and bring the reader closer to the viewpoint character.

She thought back to last night’s speed dating. She potentially had three dates lined up.

Last night’s speed dating had been fun. She had swapped numbers with three people. But did she want to meet them all again?

The second example puts us firmly in the viewpoint character’s mind, and we are no longer wondering why the three dates are potential. There is less distance between the reader and the viewpoint character.

Using stronger verbs and adding in free indirect thought

Adding in free indirect thought along with a stronger verb creates a tighter sentence filled with intrigue and tension.

Jas thought she might go to the cinema tonight.

Jas made her mind up. She would go to the cinema tonight. By herself.

Jas is the viewpoint character, so we are in her head. By including free indirect thought, the reader knows Jas has been thinking about going to the cinema and has now decided she will. And saying she is going by herself creates intrigue.

Sally pondered whether James really did love her.

Sally gazed at the traffic jam in front. Did James really love her?

The details of Sally’s surroundings help us imagine being stuck in a traffic jam and how it gives time for thinking.

She looked in the mirror. She was generally happy with how she looked.

She looked in the mirror and grinned. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Showing the reader her reactions rather than saying she was generally happy is more immersive.

Avoiding viewpoint drops

Viewpoint characters cannot know what is going on in other characters’ heads, so just removing tentative words does not work.

Ceri stared at the man in front of him in the queue. He seemed to be anxious.

We know the other man seems anxious but, as Ceri is the viewpoint character and we are in his head, we don’t know how the other man is feeling. Seemed is an appropriate word as from Ceri’s viewpoint the other man does seem anxious. He could even seem unwell. If we remove seem and say he was anxious, we are dropping viewpoint as we cannot be in the man’s head and know his thoughts and feelings. We can only report what we see. Just as if we were in a supermarket queue and watching someone in front of us.

By showing the man’s behaviour rather than saying he is anxious, we can see for ourselves (along with Ceri) that something is not right.

Ceri stared at the man in front of him in the queue. He shuffled from foot to foot, glancing around and mopping his face with a grubby handkerchief. Something fell from his pocket and clattered on the supermarket floor. Ceri looked down and froze. It was a small handgun.

When is hesitant language OK to use?

Becoming aware of how easily and frequently hesitant words are used is a good start. Using hesitant language isn’t wrong but reducing uncertainty will make writing stronger.

However, there are situations when hesitant language is appropriate.

Character personality

Hesitant language can make characters look weak or ineffectual even if they are meant to be bold and assertive. Obviously, if a character has a meek and mild personality, hesitant language will be appropriate.

Using our example of Jas from earlier, in the first sentence Jas comes across as dithering about going to the cinema. This could indicate she is prone to being indecisive. The second example shows her as being confident and decisive.

Jas thought she might go to the cinema tonight.

Jas made her mind up. She would go to the cinema tonight. By herself.

In dialogue

In dialogue, hesitant language is perfect if a character is prone to rambling, as in the first example.

‘I thought perhaps we might go out tonight, dear, if you fancy it. Maybe to that little restaurant you seemed happy with a few weeks ago. Or was it longer than that? You know, that place by the river.’

The second example shows the character is bold and assertive.

We’re going out tonight. I’ve booked a table at that splendid restaurant by the river.’

Acting out of character

Consider the example below.

Kevin appeared to be drunk.

Kevin was drunk.

By changing appeared to be to was, we aren’t wondering if Kevin is drunk. But, if Kevin has been taken ill, he could appear drunk, with the apparent drunkenness being symptoms of something else. The recast below shows that to someone watching, Kevin did appear drunk, but it’s out of character for him.

Kevin appeared to be drunk. He staggered and swayed from side to side and his face was dripping with sweat. But Simon knew that he didn’t usually drink at lunchtime. Something was wrong.

When the viewpoint character is speculating

Chloe looked at the photos of her wedding. It seemed a lifetime away now but it was just three years.

Olaf glared at Maureen, the accounts clerk. How many more questions? He only wanted a £20 payment authorising. She was acting as if she was personally paying him.

In brief

• Using hesitant language isn’t wrong but reducing uncertainty will give the reader a more immersive experience.
• Deleting, using stronger verbs and recasting can all help to make language more certain.
• Free indirect thought is an excellent way to make the prose more interesting and add intrigue.
• Hesitant language can be a way of showing personality traits if characters are prone to dithering or lack confidence.

The post How to reduce hesitant language in fiction first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.

This is the second of two posts on writing good dialogue in fiction. The first part is here.

Monologues

Conversations involve more than one person, so if one character is doing all the talking then the conversation ccould turn into a monologue. Reading lengthy passages of speech is tiring, and readers may get bored and skip forward to avoid reading everything the character is saying. Most of us would not speak for a long time without another person chipping in or without pausing to take a drink or to cough or sneeze. Or we would just stop to draw breath or gather our thoughts.

Remember that anything said by a character should move the story forward. If a character really does have a lot to say in one go, adding in action beats, interruptions from the other character(s) and mention of surroundings will break up long chunks of speech. And, of course, the viewpoint character will have thoughts and feelings, which can be used to help break up dialogue. Perhaps they might wish that the other character would stop talking!

Consider the example below. Imagine that the person speaking to Steph has a lot to say. Including Steph’s’ thoughts and some action beats breaks up the dialogue and tells us that Steph is fed up and also lets us know her opinion of Bea.

Steph folded her arms and nodded. She wanted to scream. How much longer was this going to go on? Bea never stopped to draw breath. She really did like the sound of her own voice.

Sometimes, it might be necessary for a character to do most of the talking, but breaking up the speech with actions provides more interest for the reader.

Imagine in the following example that this character has been monopolising a planning meeting and has been speaking for a long time. Reading a lengthy passage about planning issues could be tedious, but breaking it up by adding in a pause for him to gather his thoughts and take a drink makes it more interesting. His reaction to the Chair of the meeting tells us that there is some friction. Including some of the information in the narrative stops the reader being bored by reading every little detail of Martyn’s submission to the planning meeting.

‘Planning permission should not be granted.’ Martyn took a sip of water and looked at his notes. ‘I have twenty more reasons why.’ He stared at the Chair for a few moments and smirked.

Martyn had compiled a dossier on the proposed housing development. In fact, stopping this development going ahead had become his main purpose in life. He had been gathering information and interviewing nearby residents for the past year. Several of the reasons for objecting were tenuous. Martyn knew that and realised that his case was weak.

Maid-and-butler dialogue

Maid and butler is a term applied to dialogue where the characters tell each other information they already know. It is used purely to give the reader knowledge of the backstory. It’s unrealistic as people would not have detailed conversations about things that are already known to them.

It is usually resolved by recasting some of the exposition into narrative.

Consider the following rudimentary example, which carries on the theme of the body parts in the bin from part one of this post:

‘Jane, you made me jump,’ said Carmen.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Jane. ‘The bins are usually emptied on a Wednesday morning, and they haven’t been done this week.’

‘I’m not sure why. The black one for general waste and the green one for garden and food waste were due to be emptied this week, and the blue one for paper is next Wednesday.’

‘I don’t know what to do. I’m so upset and more nervous than I usually am.’

‘Are you going to be OK? I haven’t seen Ted, your bullying husband, who is six feet tall, with a shaved head and a foul temper for a while. I know you dislike him along with everyone else in the street.’

See the difference once the exposition has been recast into the narrative.

‘Jane, you made me jump,’ said Carmen.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Jane. ‘The bins haven’t been emptied this week.’ A tear rolled down her cheek. She was trembling and wringing her hands together.

‘I know and I’m not sure why. They do miss the occasional collection since the pandemic started.’

Bin day was Wednesday. The black bin for general waste and the green bin for garden and food waste were due to be emptied this week.

‘I don’t know what to do. I’m so upset.’

Carmen frowned. Jane was very distressed. She was always nervous, but she was more jumpy than usual today.

‘Are you going to be OK? I haven’t seen Ted for a while. Will he be able to look after you?’

Nobody in the street liked Jane’s husband. He was well over six feet tall, with a shaved head and a foul temper. He tried to intimidate them all. Carmen knew Jane hated him with a passion.

Now, the reader gets to know more about the backstory but without the unrealistic dialogue.

Character information

Characters in books should have different personalities, just as people do in real life. Their personalities should be reflected in the dialogue. A loud and obnoxious man may have a timid wife who is usually reserved, nervous and fearful when talking. The reader should be able to recognise her timid nature from her dialogue.

Every time a character speaks, it should be for a valid reason. In the body parts in the bin example, the neighbour has spoken to Carmen because she is anxious to know when the bins are going to be collected as she has something to hide.

By writing effective dialogue it is possible to get to know lots of information about non-viewpoint characters. With the example of the neighbour, we know she is normally nervous and fearful from the way she speaks. We also know that she is now very distressed about a missed bin collection, which is irrational. This information has been gleaned from conversation and the viewpoint character’s (Carmen) observations.

But, of course, everyone is capable of showing a different side of their personality. If our neighbour asked about the missed bin collection, would you assume it was for a sinister reason? If they were abrupt or aggressive when they are usually shy, would that make you suspicious? A change in usual behaviour could be masking something sinister. If someone acts out of character, the reason for the change in behaviour must be relevant to the story otherwise it is pointless information.

Perhaps a character deliberately misleads someone or is a perpetual liar. As long as it is linked to the plot, then it will work. Imagine the character in the example below has defrauded poor Andy, who hasn’t yet realised.

‘I said I was going to pay you next week, and I will. Promise.’ I smiled and thought of my one-way flight to the Cayman Islands booked for Friday.

‘Thank you,’ said Andy. ‘I think we’re going to have a good working relationship.’

Language choice

Language in dialogue should be chosen to reflect a character’s personality, education, opinions and background. For example, if a character is a pompous academic, they may be prone to being verbose. The reader should be able to recognise who is speaking from the dialogue alone, without the speech being attributed to anyone.

The choice of language should also be in keeping with the era and environment. A reader wouldn’t expect to read dialogue with slang and text-speak in a period romance from the 1920s.

‘Oh, Mr Pemberton, it is delightful to make your acquaintance again. It has been such a long time since we last met.’

‘Indeed, Miss Rose. It was at Lord Grantham’s summer ball, I believe, and you looked delightful in yellow silk, and you danced all night.’

‘Are you having a laugh? It was minging and I was troliled.’

It’s an extreme example, but shows that the language of the era of the story must be portrayed accurately. If the story was about someone who time travelled back to the 1920s from 2022, then using out-of-place dialogue would be exactly what was needed.

Characters are also likely to speak in different ways depending on who they are speaking with. For example, someone who is in an unhappy relationship won’t speak the same way to their partner as they do to their best friend.

Dialogue should be altered to reflect changing emotions. If someone is getting upset, they may speak in short sentences or struggle to find their words. Short sentences or even single words would probably be used in high-intensity situations such as raids, shootings, robberies or chases. And the same goes for sex scenes or moments of passion. Delivering a monologue in these situations is not realistic.

Read part one on writing good dialogue here.

Final words…

• Good dialogue should avoid monologues where possible. If a character really does have a lot to say, break up the dialogue with action beats and mention of their surroundings.
• Avoid maid-and-butler dialogue by revealing some background information in the narrative.
• Keep dialogue consistent with a character’s personality and background. Choose language that is realistic and appropriate to the moment and the era.

The post How to write good dialogue in fiction (part two) first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.

This is the first of two posts on writing good dialogue in fiction. The second post is here.

Why do we have dialogue?

In a book, dialogue is conversation between two or more characters, and it is usually shown by using quotation marks and dialogue tags.

Good dialogue serves many purposes in a book. It:

• provides background information about the characters
• gives away plot details
• shows relationships between characters
• provides some details of the backstory
• provokes arguments between characters
• increases tension.

And there are possibly many more…

What does dialogue do?

Dialogue must help to move the story forward. There is no point in having dialogue that is empty and meaningless just for the sake of filling the page. Although we might have a conversation with our next-door neighbour about why the weekly bin collection has been missed, this is of no relevance in a story unless it is key to the plot. However, if there are chopped-up body parts in a refuse bag in one of the bins, then this is something that is relevant to the plot.

Dialogue should be realistic but not so much that it relays every aspect of how a conversation would be in real life. Although we might discuss a missed bin collection while pieces of our neighbour’s husband are festering alongside us, there is no need to add in every err and hmm, or every yes and no or every perhaps or maybe. All the reader needs to know are the bits that add to the story.

Effective dialogue is usually invisible. I’ve never thought how outstanding the dialogue is in any of the books I’ve read. But I do notice if dialogue is pointless and does not add to the story.

What should my characters talk about?

In the first section, we considered the purposes that good dialogue serves. One of those points was that dialogue is used to reveal plot details. Our example of the body parts in the bin shows how a mundane conversation about a missed bin collection is actually an important part of the plot.

In real life, we don’t always agree with everyone else and the same should apply with characters in dialogue. A book would become quite boring if the characters all agreed with each other. Disagreement creates friction and tension, which will help to keep the dialogue interesting. But, of course, any disagreement should be relevant to the plot.

Dialogue can be used as a way for snippets of the backstory to be introduced or for characters to reveal information about themselves. But it is important that this does not turn into a mass dumping of information, a monologue or maid-and-butler dialogue. Maid-and-butler dialogue is a term used when characters tell other characters facts about the backstory that they both already know. Monologues and maid-and-butler dialogue are discussed more in part two of this post.

The dialogue in the extract below from Chapter 1 of The Daughter by Michelle Frances reveals a few character details about Becky and her mum and their close relationship. It also gives a little bit of backstory, without dumping too much information about how it has just been the two of them until now.

‘But there’s not been anyone truly significant before.’ Becky paused. ‘He’s the Big One. I can sense it. It’ll never be you and me again.’

Kate laughed and touched Becky’s cheek. Gave the reassuring smile of a parent. ‘it’ll always be you and me. And that’s a promise.

Becky smiled sheepishly. ‘Sorry I’m used to it being just the two of us.’  

‘So, now it can be the three of us. Sometimes.’

‘And I’m chuffed to bits, you know that. Tim sounds wonderful…’

Breaking up dialogue

Dialogue without any action or reference to surroundings is unnatural. Adding in the occasional reminder of surroundings, introducing an action or having a character interrupt breaks the dialogue up and helps to maintain the reader’s interest.

Surroundings

The occasional reminder of where the dialogue is taking place is a great way to break up dialogue.

The person who is speaking could be distracted by something going on around them. There could be a lot of traffic noise, so they may have to pause speaking. The conversation could be in a pub or restaurant. A pause could happen when a meal is bought to the table, or the speaker gets served at the bar. They could be in a park and stop to throw a ball for their dog. In the extract below, Jack’s nod to the bar reminds us of where the conversation is taking place.

Published example

‘Come on, get the lady a drink,’ Roger interjected.

‘I’ll have a lemonade,’ Jack said. He tilted his head back, a half-nod to the bar behind him. ‘Chivalry’s dead, eh?’ Roger said.

Everything but the Truth by Gillian McAllister (Chapter 5, Kindle).

Action beats

When I am listening to others speak, I nod or shake my head, or I might even roll my eyes, shuffle my feet, look around me or glance at my watch. These are just some of the actions that all of us do unconsciously when listening to someone else speak.

The person speaking might pause to look at their phone or take a sip of a drink, which is probably needed after a long speech. They could be walking as they talk. Even a small break in the dialogue will have a dramatic effect and allow the reader to pause too. Below, Isabel’s shrug breaks up the dialogue and lets us know she is unsure of why Jamie liked Horace.

Published example

He suddenly thought of Horace again. ‘Why did I like Horace?’

Isabel shrugged. ‘He was pleased with life. He liked to write about farms and beekeeping and drinking wine with friends. He was that sort of poet.’

The Geometry of Holding Hands by Alexander McCall Smith (Chapter 1, Kindle)

Interruptions

The person delivering the dialogue could be interrupted by another character. This happens in real-life conversations when people are rude and think it’s acceptable to talk over others, or perhaps they aren’t really listening to what is being said. Or maybe an emergency has arisen or something important has just occurred to them prompted by the conversation.

‘So to conclude, I believe that the attack was carried out by—’

‘Oh come along, do get on with it, DS Black. The attacker will be miles away by the time you get to the point,’ said DCI Barnaby.

Trailing off

Speech that trails off is normal. A character could lose their train of thought while speaking. They might even become unwell. Or perhaps they remember something important. There could well be an interjection from another character before the speaker continues.

‘So, the main thing I gleaned from my conversation with the Chief Inspector was that Smith is going to…’ He closed his eyes and clenched his fists.

Sarah touched his arm. ‘Are you OK, Jim?’

‘Sorry, I went a bit dizzy.’ Now, where was I?’

Reducing adverbs in dialogue

Effective dialogue shows characters’ emotions and reactions, rather than using adverbs, which tell the reader. Action beats could also be added in, which may allow for the speech tag to be removed completely.

‘Actually, I would like another piece of cake,’ said Clare angrily.

Clare brandished the cake knife and scowled. ‘Actually, I know my own mind and I don’t need you to tell me that I have had enough cake. I am going to have another piece whether you like it or not.’

In the first example, we know Clare wants another piece of cake and the adverb after said tells us she has said this in an angry way.

In the second example, Clare is waving a cake knife around, and her reaction to the suggestion that she has had enough cake makes it obvious to the reader that she is angry. The speech tag is not required as the action beat before the dialogue tells us she is speaking. We can imagine the scene much more clearly from being shown Clare’s reaction, rather than being told she is angry.

Adverbs are also often used with dialogue tags that in fact have the same meaning.

‘What do you think you are doing?’ she yelled loudly.

As yelling is loud, the loudly is not needed.

‘What do you think you are doing?’ she yelled.

Removing the adverb doesn’t change the meaning of the sentence.

You can read more about using adverbs in fiction here.

Final words…

• Good dialogue should push the story forward. Make every conversation count and don’t include speech that has no relevance.
• Keep dialogue realistic but don’t include every err and hmm.
• Break up dialogue with action beats, interruptions, trailing off and descriptions of surroundings..
• Well-written dialogue combined with using action beats may reduce the need for adverbs and speech tags

The second part of this post on writing good dialogue can be found here.

References

Everything but the Truth, Gillian McAllister, Penguin, 2017

The Daughter, Michelle Frances, Pan, 2019

The Geometry of Holding Hands, Alexander McCall Smith, Little, Brown Book Group, 2020

The post How to write good dialogue in fiction (part one) first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.

What are vocatives?

Vocatives are used when addressing someone in dialogue. Examples could include a person’s name, a relation, a formal address, a formal title, a rank or job title, a term of affection or an insulting expression. Consider the following examples:

Relating to or denoting a case of nouns, pronouns, and adjectives in Latin and other languages, used in addressing or invoking a person or thing.

Oxford English Dictionary

‘Hello, Clare.’ (name)

‘Thank you, Mum.’ (relation)

‘Can I help you with your bags, sir?’ (formal address)

‘Thank you, Lord Denning.’ (formal title)

‘All present and correct, Captain.’ (rank or job title)

‘Oh, you shouldn’t have spent so much on me, you silly thing.’ (affectionate term)

‘What the hell do you think you are doing, you lowlife?’ (insulting term)

However, it’s best to use vocatives sparingly in fiction, as in real life we don’t tend to address people by their name or use a term of endearment every time we speak to someone. If vocatives are overused, the dialogue will feel contrived.

Why use vocatives?

To establish who is speaking

As in real life, fictional characters use each other’s names in dialogue. But in real life we know who we are speaking to, whereas in a story the reader won’t necessarily know who is speaking unless they are told, especially if there are more than two people in the conversation.

‘Anil, do you know why Simon has not come into work today?’ Sara checked her phone for the tenth time and looked worried. ‘Jen, what about you? Have you heard from him today?’

To learn more about the characters

Vocatives give the reader valuable information about the relationships between the characters, without including lengthy passages of narrative.

‘I told you never to darken my door again, you useless buffoon.’

‘Is that all for now, ma’am?’

‘You have all the answers as usual, my beloved.’

‘Corporal, what on earth are you doing?’

Published example

She picked it up and put it to her ear. ‘What’s up?’

‘Sorry for disturbing you, boss,’ he said. ‘Christmas and everything.’

The House in the Woods by Mark Dawson (Chapter 1, Kindle)

To add tension

Using someone’s name can increase tension and give a sense of the characters’ emotions and the mood of a scene.

‘Stella, quick, run. We have ten seconds to get out.’

‘Is it really that difficult, Bob, to understand a few clear instructions?’

‘Kip! What are you doing back early?’

Repetition of names

In reality, we wouldn’t repeat someone’s name over and over during a conversation. And the same should apply in fiction.

‘Hello, Omar. How are you?’

‘Fliss! Long time no see. I’m fine.’

‘So I see. You’re looking very well, Omar.’

‘Thank you, Fliss. So do you.’

‘Where are you working now, Omar?’

‘Well, I’m finally a self-employed editor, Fliss.’

‘Omar, that’s wonderful. I know you always wanted to do that. Is it easy to get work with publishers?’

‘Fliss, it is a hard slog I can tell you.’

It makes for tedious reading, doesn’t it?  The reader can work out who is talking without having the names repeated on every line. In reality, the conversation would probably be along the lines of:

‘Hello, Omar. How are you?’

‘Fliss! Long time no see. I’m fine.’

‘So I see. You’re looking very well.’

‘Thank you. So do you’.

‘Where are you working now?’

‘Well, I’m finally a self-employed editor.’

‘Omar, that’s wonderful. I know you always wanted to do that. Is it easy to get work with publishers?’

‘It’s a hard slog I can tell you.’

Vocative comma

If vocatives are used without commas, the sentence will be ambiguous and confusing. A vocative comma is used before or after a name or a form of address in dialogue. If the name of the person being addressed is in the middle of the sentence, then a comma appears before and after the name.

Beginning of sentence

‘Pilar, you look stunning in that red dress.’

‘Sweetheart, please stop nagging me.’

For extra emphasis or tension, you may want to use a full stop, exclamation mark or question mark following a vocative at the beginning of a sentence.

‘Muttley! You naughty dog.’

‘Sonia? Is that really you?’

Middle of sentence

‘Crumbs, Tarquin, what is that supposed to be?’

‘Oh, Tilly, don’t do that.’

End of sentence

‘Would you like a glass of wine, Isaac?’

‘It’s so lovely to see you, Grandad.’

‘Back against the wall. Now. Do as I say, you scumbag.’

‘Thank you, madam. I’ll arrange for the bill to be prepared

Without a vocative comma

If a vocative comma is not included, the sentence may be confusing. The first example below could be correct but including a comma before officer makes the actual meaning clear.

‘Would you like a sweet officer?’

‘Would you like a sweet, officer?’

Do vocatives need to start with a capital letter?

In some circumstances, vocatives do need to start with a capital letter.

As a reminder, a vocative is used with a person’s name, a formal address, a rank or job title, a term of affection or an insulting expression.

A person’s name

Names (proper nouns) used as vocatives always start with a capital letter, unless the person deliberately chooses to start their name with a lower-case letter.

Published example

She had pale red hair, twisted up at the back and clipped into place. She smiled down at Ellie and said, ‘Good afternoon, Ellie. I hope you’ve got your brain switched on?’

Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell (Chapter 5, Kindle)

A relation

Vocatives used to address a relation always start with a capital letter.

‘Oh no, I forgot your birthday again, Uncle David.’

‘Hello, Grandma.’

‘Please, Mother, stop nagging me. I am fifty years old.’

‘I see you are dad dancing again, Dad.’

If the relationship title is indirectly mentioned, as in the example above of dad dancing, then this will be in lower case. This also applies if the indirect address appears in the narrative.

‘I think your Aunty Pam is the best aunty in the world.’

(direct mention = upper case and indirect mention = lower case)

‘Will your father be joining us for dinner this evening?’

Monty followed his grandad out of the restaurant. Would he need helping into Dad’s car? He didn’t want to offend him by assuming.

Published example

‘Mum, can I borrow the camcorder later to make a house video?’

‘Yes, but ask your dad first.

The Holiday by T. M. Logan (Chapter 2, Kindle)

Formal address

Vocaties used to formally address a person do not need a capital letter unless they are being used at the start of a sentence.

‘Can I help you with your bags, sir?’

‘Madam, please come this way.’

‘Yes, m’lady,’ said Parker.

‘Hey, lady, give me your bag.’

Published example

‘Do you have children, detective? Mrs Lyle said.

I stood up to face her.

‘Yes, ma’am. Just the one.’

‘Boy or girl?’

‘I have a little girl, ma’am. Eight years’ old. Scout.’

#taken: Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong girl, Tony Parsons (Chapter 1, Kindle)

Formal titles

Vocatives indicating formal titles start with a capital letter.

‘It is indeed a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty.’

‘Thank you for the generous donation, Lady Grantham.’

Published example

At this, counsel for the prosecution, Mrs Price, gives a small exhalation and begins to lift her head. The judge looks over his glasses at the young woman barrister and she raises the flat of her hand in response. ‘Forgive me, My Lord, I’m getting there, yes…’

Apple Tree Yard, Louise Doughty (Prologue, Kindle)

Rank or job title

Vocatives indicating rank or titles start with a capital letter.

‘Are the troops ready for battle, Colonel?’

‘The cabin is ready for departure, Captain.’

Published example

Detective Superintendent, I’ve a request from a Brighton Central detective sergeant for you to attend a suspicious death at a house in Dyke Road Avenue.

Not Dead Enough by Peter James (Chapter 5, Kindle)

If the relationship title is indirectly mentioned, as in the above example, then this should be in lower case. This applies if the indirect address appears in the narrative.

‘Go down the station and speak with the duty sergeant.’

‘The captain has said no and that is final.’

I thought the councillor that was speaking was full of hot air, but Councillor Foster soon shut him up.

Terms of affection

Vocatives used as terms of affection do not need a capital letter unless they are being used at the start of a sentence.

‘Thank you, my love.’

‘Darling, you are my saving grace.’

‘Have I told you, sweetie pie, that you are wonderful?’

Published example

‘Look at this!’ he said. ‘Cilla, darling, look, look!’

Absolute Proof by Peter James (Chapter 14, Kindle)

Insulting term

Vocatives used as insulting terms do not need a capital letter unless they are being used at the start of a sentence.

‘Do one, knobhead.’

‘Numbnuts, you’ve forgotten the biscuits again.’

‘Please, you doofus, concentrate for once.’

Final words…

References

The post How to use vocatives: addressing someone in dialogue first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.

What are adverbs?

A word or phrase that modifies or qualifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb or a word group, expressing a relation of place, time, circumstance, manner, cause, degree, etc. (e.g. gently, quite, then, there).

Oxford Dictionaries Online

In this post, we consider adverbs being used to modify verbs.

Most of us learned at school that a verb is a ‘doing word’.

A word used to describe an action, state, or occurrence, and forming the main part of the predicate of a sentence, such as hear, become, happen.

Oxford Dictionaries Online

Why do some people criticise the use of adverbs?

Some writers think that good writing should not include adverbs. This dislike is based mainly around the fact that they believe using adverbs is lazy, and that they tell the reader what a character is feeling or doing rather than showing them through emotions and actions. However, when used correctly, adverbs can add clarity. But adverbs can detract from a story when:

• They tell what’s already shown by the dialogue tag.
• They repeat what is obvious from dialogue.
• They repeat the meaning of the verb (double telling).

Simple examples of adverbs

In the examples below, the verb (in bold) is modified by the adverb (in italic).

He ate slowly again.

Isabelle spoke arrogantly to her colleagues.

She looked expectantly at the man sitting alongside her.

Hector sniffed frantically at the suitcase.

Adverbs don’t always end in ly. Sometimes, a short phrase is used to modify or describe the verb. This is called an adverbial phrase.

Vikram clapped his hands in delight.

Tommy cried like a baby.

Is the adverb repeating the dialogue tag?

The purpose of a dialogue tag is to indicate which character is speaking rather than how they are speaking, but it’s very common to see adverbs added to dialogue tags. Often, the adverb has the same meaning as the dialogue tag, e.g. she murmured quietly: murmuring is quiet by default. Quietly can be removed as the dialogue tag is strong enough to stand by itself. Alternatively, the dialogue tag can be replaced with said and used with the adverb. Said is often thought of as a boring dialogue tag, but it is actually very effective as it tends to be invisible to the reader. The reader will be concentrating on who is speaking and what is being said, rather than being distracted by over-descriptive dialogue tags.

‘Are you OK?’ she murmured quietly. (murmuring is quiet)

‘Are you OK?’ she murmured.

‘Are you OK?’ she said quietly.

‘I hate you,’ he shouted loudly. (shouting is loud)

‘I hate you,’ he shouted.

‘I hate you,’ he said loudly.

Does the dialogue make the adverb unnecessary?

Writing dialogue that reflects the emotions and moods of the characters, and adding in action beats are ways of reducing reliance on using adverbs with dialogue tags.

Consider the examples below:

‘I’m so tired. I was awake at 4am with the alarm next door,’ they said sleepily.

‘I’m so tired. I was awake at 4am with the alarm next door,’ they said.

They yawned. ‘I’m so tired. I was awake at 4am with the alarm next door.’

We know from the dialogue that this character is tired due to a rude awakening at 4am, so the adverb sleepily is not necessary. In the third example, adding in an action beat further shows their tiredness.

‘Give me £500 or I will publish those photos on Twitter,’ said Steve threateningly.

‘Give me £500 or I will publish those photos on Twitter,’ said Steve.

‘Give me £500 or I will publish those photos on Twitter.’ Steve smirked and folded his arms.

It is clear Steve is threatening someone, so the adverb threateningly is redundant. The action beat in the third example shows that Steve thinks he has the upper hand.

‘Oh, I am so happy and thrilled to be here,’ said Ana in an excited voice.

‘Oh, I am so happy and thrilled to be here,’ said Ana.

‘Oh, I am so happy and thrilled to be here,’ said Ana, dancing around the room.

The dialogue makes it clear that Ana is excited, so telling us that she is speaking in an excited voice is not necessary. The action of dancing around the room leaves us in no doubt that Ana is excited.

Is the adverb double-telling?

If the existing verb is strong enough to explain what is being done, then it may not need modifying with an adverb. Below are some examples of strong verbs that tell us what is being done, but they have been used with adverbs that repeat the meaning of the verb – also known as double-telling.

Antonia shrieked loudly as a mouse scampered in front of her.

Shrieks are loud.

Patrick strolled leisurely along the promenade.

Strolling is leisurely.

She glared fiercely at the rude man in front of her.

Glares are fierce.

He guzzled his beer greedily.

Guzzling is drinking in a greedy way.

Precious narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

Narrowing one’s eyes usually involves regarding someone with suspicion.

‘I hate you,’ she whispered quietly.

Whispering is generally quiet.

If we remove the adverb in each case, the meaning of the sentence doesn’t change and we can still understand what each character is doing.

Antonia shrieked as a mouse scampered in front of her.

Patrick strolled along the promenade.

She glared at the rude man in front of her.

He guzzled his beer.

Precious narrowed her eyes.

Stronger v weaker verbs

You may want to consider using a more expressive verb to replace a less descriptive verb that has been modified with an adverb. Consider the examples below and note how the new verb makes the sentence more interesting.

I walked quickly to the post office.

I marched to the post office.

I’m on a mission to get there as soon as possible.

Andy ate his lunch speedily.

Andy devoured his lunch.

We can envisage that Andy eats at speed.

Ruby smiled widely at the camera.

Ruby beamed at the camera.

It’s easy to imagine a very smiley Ruby.

Adverbs in published fiction

Bestselling authors use adverbs, and I don’t expect that they are worried about those that criticise their use! I think the following extracts are good examples of how adverbs can be used effectively in different ways.

A Place to Bury Strangers by Mark Dawson (Chapter 5, Kindle)

This example uses the verb shifted with the adverb uncomfortably. Without the adverb, the verb would not have got across the fact that York was uncomfortable with the conversation.

‘She’s been seeing a boy.’

‘Isn’t that par for the course for a girl her age?’

York shifted uncomfortably in his chair. ‘Yes, of course, and I wouldn’t normally interfere in her business but he’s not a good sort [….].

How to Raise an Elephant by Alexander McCall Smith (Chapter 2, Kindle)

In this example, the adverb firmly is essential so it is obvious that Mma Makutsi is being assertive. Using said alone would not get her determinedness across.

‘Ninety-seven per cent,’ said Mma Makutsi firmly. ‘I will ask them for ninety-seven per cent of what they owe. That will give them a three per cent discount.’

Dead Man’s Grave by Neil Lancaster (p.2.)

In this example, the bleak Scottish weather and the time of day help the reader to imagine why the character would need to walk quickly and be wheezing heavily. Describing the character as just walking in the late afternoon chill would be very flat.

He walked quickly, wheezing heavily in the late afternoon chill as the cold mist began to creep across the landscape from the North Sea. He shivered as the damp, clammy air bit at his exposed skin.

Sleepy Head by Mark Billingham (Chapter 3, Kindle)

She laughed loudly. Not filthy, positively salacious. Thorne laughed too, and grinned at the waitress as his second cup of coffee arrived. It had barely touched the table when Coburn’s bleeper went off.

If the adverb loudly was not included, the image of how loud Coburn’s laughter is, and how it is probably filling the cafe would not be as strong.

Final words…

• There is nothing wrong with using adverbs if they add meaning to the text.
• It’s easy to fall into the trap of double telling. Read the sentence out loud without the adverb to see if the meaning is the same, or come back to the text after a few days and read it with fresh eyes.
• Does the dialogue tag repeat the meaning of the adverb?
• Does the adverb give the same information as the verb? If so, consider removing it. Your writing will be tighter as a result.
• Opt for including stronger verbs and/or action beats instead of adverbs where possible.

A Place to Bury Strangers, Mark Dawson, Unputdownable, 2021

 Dead Man’s Grave, Neil Lancaster, HQ Digital, 2021

How to Raise an Elephant, Alexander McCall Smith, Abacus, 2021

Sleepy Head, Mark Billingham, Sphere, 2008

The post Using adverbs in fiction first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.

What is a dialogue tag?

A dialogue tag (also known as a speech tag) is a short phrase that is used to show which character is speaking. Dialogue tags can be used at the beginning, in the middle or at the end of dialogue.

‘Hello, Tom, fancy seeing you here,’ said Mandeep.

He said, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘How long have you been waiting?’ asked Catherine.

‘This place is a tip,’ said Mel. ‘You can tidy it up immediately.’

Which dialogue tags should I use?

As with most aspects of fiction writing, there are no rules!

Active verbs are often used to describe how someone is speaking. Words such as countered, remarked, ejaculated, challenged, affirmed, laughed and opined are all popular choices but none of these actually describe the act of speaking. They are likely to jump out at the reader and possibly make the text look contrived. Well-written dialogue and the use of action beats should mean that over-descriptive dialogue tags aren’t needed.

Verbs that convey the act of speaking are the most effective to use, not those that express other actions. The dialogue itself should be showing the reader why the character is speaking in a certain way, rather than an over-descriptive speech tag. Readers know that ‘I think you are wrong,’ said Jake is Jake’s opinion. His opinion doesn’t need to be spelled out by stating ‘I think you are wrong,’ opined Jake. Using said or asked may seem bland and boring but readers tend to be engrossed in the story and will just want to know who is speaking. Remember that the purpose of a dialogue tag is to tell the reader which character is talking.

Consider how simply substituting said still gets the meaning over to the reader:

‘Sure, I will do that for you,’ she clarified.

‘Sure, I will do that for you,’ she said.

The character has already said she will do the task. We don’t need further clarification in the dialogue tag.

‘He did this to you?’ I questioned.

‘He did this to you?’ I said.

We know it is a question as it is phrased as such and has a question mark.

‘Yes, I am going out to buy another bottle of Pinot Grigio,’ affirmed Pauline.

‘Yes, I am going out to buy another bottle of Pinot Grigio,’ said Pauline.

Pauline has told us she is off to buy wine again. She doesn’t need to affirm it.

If you really don’t want to stick with said, the likes of whispered, yelled, shouted, mumbled and murmured are alternatives that involve speaking and can be used, although this is best done sporadically. The occasional asked and replied thrown in is fine, although it is normally obvious when someone is asking a question or giving a response.

A table is included at the end of this post with my thoughts on dialogue tags that are best to use, those to use with caution and those that are best avoided. But, it’s your book and your choice as to which dialogue tags you prefer!

Using action beats to replace over-descriptive dialogue tags

Adding in an action beat can show a character’s mood or attitude. This allows the reader to imagine how the character is reacting or feeling, rather than telling them. If an action beat gives the reader enough information to picture the scene, a dialogue tag is not always required.

‘I want the room tidied instantly!’ I ordered.

‘I want this room tidied instantly!’ I slammed the door.

The abrupt statement is obviously an order, and the slamming door tells us the mood of the speaker, so the dialogue tag is redundant.

‘I have friends!’ I defended.

I folded my arms and scowled. ‘I have friends!’ I said, scowling.

I folded my arms. ‘I have friends!’ I said with a scowl.

The actions and the abrupt statement get the message across that the speech is defensive. We don’t need to be told by way of an over-descriptive dialogue tag.

‘You leave tomorrow evening. It’s final,’ they remarked.

They stood up. ‘You leave tomorrow evening. It’s final.’

It’s now more than a remark. The act of standing up helps us imagine the finality of whatever is happening. No dialogue tag is necessary.

‘Tomorrow, on the train, don’t talk to anyone. Is that clear?’ he demanded.

Sam thrust a finger in my face. ‘Tomorrow, on the train, don’t talk to anyone. Is that clear?’

Sam has made his demands clear in the dialogue, so no dialogue tag is needed.

‘My feet hurt. I can’t walk any further,’ I cried.

I slumped on the ground, removing my trainers. I grimaced and rubbed my swollen feet. ‘I can’t. I just can’t walk any further.’

The description of the action helps envisage the mood of the speaker and how painful their feet must be. The dialogue tag is redundant.

Using over-descriptive dialogue tags as action beats

If a verb doesn’t work as a dialogue tag, it might work as a standalone action beat. Take a look at the table at the end. Many of those verbs would make excellent action beats: he smiled, she frowned, he sneered and she laughed all work well independently.

‘You just got caught,’ Harry laughed.

Rather than trying to convey how Harry can talk and laugh at the same time, using an action beat before or after the dialogue improves the rhythm and flow.

‘You just got caught.’ Harry laughed.

Harry laughed. ‘You just got caught.’

‘I don’t want to do that,’ I glared.

‘I don’t want to do that.’ I glared.

I glared. ‘I don’t want to do that.’

Adding an action after a dialogue tag

A comma is needed after the dialogue tag but before the adverb.

A comma is not needed when with is used after the dialogue tag, as in the second example. This would separate with a scowl from the verb (said).

I stamped my foot. ‘I want to go on holiday!’ I said, scowling.

I stamped my foot. ‘I want to go on holiday!’ I said with a scowl.

Using too many dialogue tags

Dialogue tags don’t need to be repeated every time a character speaks. The following example shows how tedious and repetitive this is:

‘No, I won’t do it,’ she said.

‘Why?’ he said.

‘Because I don’t want to,’ she said.

‘How selfish,’ he said.

‘You always say you’re going to pay me afterwards, but I’ve yet to see any cash’ she said.

‘I never said I wasn’t going to pay you,’ he said.

There are two people in the conversation, so the reader can work out who is speaking without having dialogue tags to tell them.

‘No, I won’t do it,’ she said.

‘Why?’ said Ken.

‘Because I don’t want to.’

‘How selfish.’

You always say you’re going to pay me afterwards, but I’ve yet to see any cash.’

‘I never said I wasn’t going to pay you.’

Adding in action beats will make the dialogue flow more smoothly.

She put on her coat. ‘No, I won’t do it.’

‘Why?’ asked Ken.

‘Because I don’t want to.’

‘How selfish.’

She picked up her bag. You always say you’re going to pay me afterwards, but I’ve yet to see any cash.’

Ken narrowed his eyes. ‘I never said I wasn’t going to pay you.’

Using adverbs with dialogue

Adverbs are often used with dialogue tags to give more information about the way that a character has said something. However, the adverb may not be necessary if the dialogue has been written in a way that conveys the same meaning. There is nothing wrong with leaving adverbs to support dialogue, but removing them may just tighten up your writing. Consider the examples below:

‘Let’s go, quick, quick! I’m desperate to get out and go for a run!’ Gerry said energetically.

‘Let’s go, quick, quick! I’m desperate to get out and go for a run!’ Gerry said.

‘Let’s go, quick, quick! I’m desperate to get out and go for a run!’ Gerry said, jogging on the spot.

We know from the exclamation marks and language that Gerry is keen and energetic and wants to go out for a run, so the adverb energetically is really not necessary. In the third example, adding in an action beat shows Gerry’s enthusiasm.

‘Oh, I know your dirty little secret, you devious bitch,’ said Juan knowingly.

Oh, I know your dirty little secret, you devious bitch,’ said Juan.

Oh, I know your dirty little secret, you devious bitch,’ said Juan, narrowing his eyes.

Juan already told us he knows the secret, so the adverb knowingly is redundant. The action beat in the third example shows Juan is not happy about the knowledge.

‘Go. Just go. I never want to see your cheating face again, you absolute lowlife,’ Edward said angrily.

Edward clenched his fists. His face reddened. ‘Go. Just go. I never want to see your cheating face again, you absolute lowlife.’ He threw the suitcase after Simon, scattering clothes and toiletries onto the pavement. The door slammed.

Edward’s actions show us that he is angry. The adverb angrily is redundant.

Double-telling

An easy trap to fall into is adding an adverb to a dialogue tag that gives the same information, for example murmuring quietly: murmuring is quiet by default. The adverb can be removed so that the dialogue tag does all the work. Alternatively, the dialogue tag can be replaced with said and used alongside the adverb.

‘Are you OK?’ she murmured quietly.

‘Are you OK?’ she murmured.

‘Are you OK?’ she said quietly.

‘I hate you,’ he shouted loudly.

‘I hate you,’ he shouted.

‘I hate you,’ he said loudly.

Suggested dialogue tags

Final words…     

• The purpose of a dialogue tag is to tell the reader which character is talking.
• Stick with known and trusted dialogue tags that convey the act of speaking.
• Use action beats to improve the rhythm and pace of dialogue. Experiment with using fewer dialogue tags and include action beats as a way of showing who is talking.
• Consider removing adverbs that are not necessary if the dialogue already gives the same information. Also beware of using adverbs with a dialogue tag that givesthe same information.
• Read more on using dialogue in fiction.

The post How to use dialogue tags in fiction first appeared on Fiction Book Editor and Proofreader - UK | Clare Black.